soft_focus | Lost Carnival

[ It'll be Childermass that contacts her first. Probably not that big a surprise, since between settling his own matters and catching up on lost sleep, it's been difficult to find him in person.

Up until now, when Reira will finally receive a call over the radio on her personal frequency. ]

Ms. Akaba, if you would please join me down by the lake, just at the end of the path leading to it. Thank you.

[ Because he doesn't actually have an office for this kind of thing yet and he doesn't need other supervisors eavesdropping, either. Anyway, assuming she does decide to join him there, he'll be exactly where he said, where the path meets the shore, idly looking out across the lake as he waits, hands folded behind his back and all. Calm and barely readable, as far as empathy might go. ]

[She doesn't dally, once she's received that message. Taking her time would have perhaps been recommended of course, given the slow recovery from the physical effects of this poison, but the fact is, she had been looking for him during the days prior-whether he knows that or not, she certainly couldn't guess, but she absolutely won't ignore this.]

I'm coming. [Spoken as plainly as a soldier's affirmative, it is the only message over the radio she sends-sent immediately after Childermass is done. When she does arrive, she is quiet. She approaches almost at a fast walk, and then slows to a stop a few feet behind. She can't feel any anger, or much of anything that could be worrisome-but with the recent events, it hasn't been anger that made her worried.

He's calm. And that is the most she can tell, leaving her to swallow back any nervousness and speak.]

...I'm here.

[At least-hopefully in any case-they're both less sleep deprived now that they're talking.]

[ Considering she was well enough to be wandering around at night when the Warden infiltrated the Ringmaster's treasury, that she might not be capable of getting out to the lake really didn't cross Childermass's mind. So when she does show up, all he does is turn and look at her, expression bored and blandly neutral. ]

So I see. [ That's all. No 'hello' or 'how are you', just moving straight on to-- ] Now that we are hopefully as clear of that mess as we can be, I would like you to tell me exactly why you were down in the stables after the manor's curfew.

Edited (last line seemed too heavy, removed it) 2017-11-11 23:35 (UTC)

[Yes-it would, certainly, be good if nothing so extreme ever happened again. She had a similar talk-perhaps a more immediately heavy one for that matter-with Tyki of course. But here, Reira nods. Somewhat guiltily, mind-as guilty as her body even knows how to show-but she nods and begins to explain.

This was the sort of talk she had intended to seek him out for, after all. There would be no point in holding back, or lying.] ...it was... ...Selfish, [she decides, visibly fumbling for the proper word momentarily.] ...when we go to the manor, everyone was scared, or upset. I thought, if it was just that, I could be okay.

...but at meals, there were worse feelings. ...and... It made it hard to think. It made others more upset, even... ...and when it was time to sleep, everyone's feelings were still there. Everywhere, [she adds-though while the status of the manor could no doubt have lent toward that, it more than likely contributed little to the 'load'.]

...we... [She swallows-avoiding Julien's name if she can help it, for his sake-]

....We had a portal to the stables. ...so, I was going to sleep there, so that the next day, I could be stronger for things, and make people worry less...and if someone came before that, go back through, and never try again.

[But, well. That obviously failed, and her grimace shares those thoughts.] ....I didn't think about how magic could work different. ....I didn't think about what would happen if it was too fast, [she confesses, swallowing]

...But it happened..! ...And then people were caught...and hurt-and everything that happened, the dance, and the hunt, and his name-

[She us, at least, aware of the sprawling gravity of events. But she sucks in a breath, and abruptly quiets.]

...You didn't ask about that part, [she states, bowing her head.] ...I left my room to sleep where there wouldn't be feelings that hurt. ....that was why.

I didn't. [ He agrees, not a single change in his own expression given. ] Please explain what you mean by where there wouldn't be 'feelings that hurt'. Ms. Akaba. You've lost me at that point.

...It's the feelings that make it hurt, [she begins-very fortunately not leaving it at that.]

...When someone is sad, it never hurts more than a pinch-like this, [she demonstrates, pinching her own arm without a pause.]

...But all over. If someone is scared, it's a little worse, but it's only as long as they're feeling things. Someone that's angry though...that hurts a lot more. One person being angry-really angry, instead of just a little-is more like...

...The shock from our duel disks, [She decides, before frowning. She can't demonstrate that, naturally, since...She didn't bring it.] ....It's a big electric strike. It gets hard if that one lasts a long time, but....so does a lot of people being angry without any happy people between, all at once if it's more than just a little bit. Or scared, [she adds, just in case he would have wondered. It is, however, something that could be an easy conclusion to come to.

The worst, however.] ...the one that hurts most though...

...Is 'hate'. ...I don't know how to explain that one. ....everyone said the duel disk shocks hurt a lot, but I never felt like making a sound when those happened, even if they shouted. So...

...it's hard to explain how it makes me need to yell, if someone hates enough.

[She fortunately never cried out at their various meals, but it was certainly enough constant hate that eating was a tense effort, though.]

[ At that, he just frowns. A small frown, but still a frown. This doesn't actually explain directly what Reira is even talking about, but it gives him enough to make a guess. ]

So you feel the feelings of others and the feelings you encountered in the manor did you harm. [ At least, he thinks that's the summary there. ] And so you went somewhere that had no feelings, away from the rest of the carnival. Is that what you're getting at?

Edited (he already asked that before, changed question) 2017-11-12 01:20 (UTC)

....somewhere with less feelings, [she quietly corrects, though she quickly bows her head in turn.] The animals in the stables weren't afraid, there. ....so I thought I could sleep better.

...but... ...That makes it just as selfish. [There was little reason to correct him, she fears-no reason other than to note, perhaps, that animals have emotions as well.]

And you're already aware of the other consequences of your actions, I am sure.

[ He says that and finally moves, bringing his hands back around from behind him. It's a slight break in the bored, fairly detached look as he rubs the bridge of his nose and gives a tired sigh. ]

I suppose it's for the best then if you feel yourself better off with animals. I cannot afford a thief who is harmed by emotions, Ms. Akaba, considering robbery tends to cause nothing but negative emotion.

...I should have stayed, [she says quietly.] ....If I was there again....I would have stayed. ...I've felt much worse things, before. Worse than even the Ringmaster's hate...

[But- As she takes in Childermass' words, she stiffens.]

....Angry animals hurt a lot more than anyone I've ever stolen from, [She answers honestly. She was prepared for many things to possibly be said, when it came to working. That she couldn't be trusted. That her mistake was too grave.] ...Even the people who almost caught me. And even the people who did catch me, [She adds, swallowing.]

...and right now-especially after everything that happened, I don't think I'm better off being only with animals at all..!

[...And, with an anxious now of the head-] ...sir!

Then you weren't paying attention to how angry the Prince was when we stole from him. [ His anger may as well have been an earthquake, even to Childermass. ] Our marks may more often be simply to gather supplies, but there will be times when who we go after will not be normal people. They may very well be more fae, like the Prince. Worse, perhaps.

[ God knows what else, too, if all the strange worlds he's gone through so far is any indication. ]

But I find it odd. You chose to be with the animals because they hurt you less, which led us to this entire mess. An angry animal can harm you, as well?

I chose them because they weren't scared..! [She shouts, pausing only to regain her own calm.] ...I chose it...because if I didn't, they'd keep worrying.

........I knew that more people were being worried. And worry doesn't hurt a lot at all. But I wanted them to stop worrying because they were WORRIED, not because it hurt! [she laments, shaking her head. Yes, it hurt, but the biggest thing that keeps coming back, and back, and back to her mind is....it was far, far from the worst she'd ever felt.] So I thought 'if I go there, and sleep there, they'll stop worrying. ...And I made it worse.

[She's hiding something-someone, more accurately, but she carries on before she can dwell on it.]

...I know The Prince was angry. He was more than angry, [she adds, frowning.] He had a lot of hate, too-and fear, even. [As much as it was radiating on the spot, at least.]

....But I fought something that hated worse than that-and I held that thing inside me, before I came here, too.

I know it hurts. ....But I also know that there are things a lot more important than if I'm hurt.

....and.... ....I also know now, that those things are more important than if others are worried about that hurt, too. ....even if I don't know what that thing might be.

[She swallows-but steels herself, looking up to the man.] When the Prince left the dance, his hate, and anger, were there. That didn't change-even if I wasn't there where you stole from him, I felt that.

...And I could still move, and think, because he didn't feel it as long as everyone felt scared.

[She has a feeling, after all, that no one they steal from will be standing in front of them for a full number of hours. Not without someone dying, at least. ...And....

The girl gathers some courage.] ....After I came back... ....I tried to find you, to talk to you, about what happened. ....To say 'sorry'-even if sorry is only a word. ....But more than just sorry, [Reira explains, doing her best to keep calm,] I didn't want to hide. ...Because I did something that anywhere else, would mean I was dead-that a lot of others would be dead-and even if had been just one, and not everyone, it still would have been just as bad.

[Well. Perhaps not, but as it is.] ....Is me being hurt when people feel things... ....is that really the only reason you don't want me to steal for you, any more?

[She doesn't ask with hope. Or even fear, for that matter-it is a cautious curiosity, as she wonders how she could be trusted at all, after this.

(Perhaps there was more to what everyone kept telling her, after all.)]

[ All of that and all she gets is one very unimpressed Childermass. Appealing to him that she didn't want to hide after the fact, after all this nonsense about painful feelings and fleeing from them, long rambling explanations, struggling to control her emotions even now. It was putting the cart before the horse in this case when all he cared for were straightforward answers.

So, no, that little frown of his only becomes a scowl. ]

It is the cause of many reasons. It prompted you to make a decision that you yourself realize was selfish. Not only that, but it was childish. You disobeyed what the Warden and the Nightrider told everyone to do, brought down two others with you for your behavior, and now it seems you plan on arguing with my decision. Your inability to follow a simple rule and that you can apparently be so affected makes you a danger in the field, not only to others but to yourself.

[ Childermass doesn't have to raise his voice, he just has to sound gravely disappointed. ]

If you wish to act like a child, as that is indeed what you are, you are free to do so, under the care of the Foreman and only the Foreman. That will be all, Ms. Akaba.

....And if I don't..?

[She doesn't even know what acting like a child means, at this point. But if she isn't allowed to get another chance at all-then she has little choice (no choice, really) but to take it.]

[ Not listening to adults, for one.

He raises an eyebrow at her. ]

And if you don't what, Ms. Akaba?

....If I don't want to 'act like a child'. [If that includes 'listening to adults', then that's the exact thing she'd like to do a lot more of since not doing it that One Time went horribly. Or at least, listening to the Wrong Adult made things go horribly.

She's certainly capable of making sure she listens to the Right ones in the future, at least.]

Edited (it occurred to me she was. Listening. to Julien, who is an Adult.) 2017-11-12 12:34 (UTC)

Then you've done a fine job of making me believe otherwise. Now I have dismissed you twice already. I will not discuss this further.

[ It doesn't matter. It would only further prove an inability to make good decisions and coupled with, as far as he's been able to figure out from her rambling, an uncontrollable empathy, he won't be putting her or his team at risk for the pride of a seven year old.

In any case, this last dismissal has him turning away to look back out across the lake rather than at her. ]

[Well fine then. She does study his back for a moment-she can tell the conversation is going nowhere, certainly, but it Is always odd to read off this one. But she does turn.

Fine. Prove she can be trusted, and find a way to stop feeling pain. She'll work on those things on top of taking orders to heart, in the future. Even if Childermass doesn't intend to pay any of that mind in the future.

It is strange though, she thinks-she's certain, very certain, that many adults have made just as poor decisions over feelings.

She'll be gone by the time Childermass finally does choose to turn back, but she certainly won't be going to her trailer now. She has better things to do.]

Lost Carnival - IC Inbox

via radio, let's say a day or two after the final hunt wraps up

no subject

no subject

why do I play from canons full of endless emotion rambles, hoo

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject