soft_focus | Lost Carnival

[Ignore the chittering in the background. That's just Princess.]

Hey kid. We should talk when you get a moment.

[It takes a moment or two before Reira answers. Mostly because she was sort of half asleep. Whoops.

She does though, as much as her voice sounds worse for wear.]

....I have a moment all the time right now....

[She sounds a bit confused about why she wouldn't, but anyhow.] 'm not supposed to be doing anything outside the Carnival right now...

[She'd say not do anything at all, but she worries he'd assume talking was part of that. She's allowed to talk.]

It's - [Well, he doesn't have to explain courteous behavior to her. It's his manner of speaking that prompted him to say it in such a way. Technically yes none of them were suppose to be outside of the carnival.

He kind of was just nowhere near the Hunt right now.] If you were eating or sleeping I could've waited.

...Even if it's too important? [That seems Not Right. But then again, courtesy was never something she was familiar with.]

...m awake now, so...I have time now.

...Is.... ....is it because I was helping to find 'him'..?

[She didn't think she would be in trouble for that. They said stay in the carnival, not stay in bed, or 'don't go out after dark in the carnival'. And for that matter, they wouldn't have found him nearly as fast otherwise...]

It's important but not something that'll get someone killed or hurt if not addressed right away. Still, it is something I do want to talk about.

[He listens because he always listens. He almost wanted to track her down in person but once he was there cozy against Princess with some of her webs blanketing him he didn't bother to move.]

No, you helped with that. I'm glad he was found and is now with us again.

[He pauses to consider his words then calmly asks without any anger in his voice.] Why weren't you in your room the night you were captured?

Mnh. [Well, if he says so, then. She didn't expect to be talking about...This on the radio though. She blinks, and stares for a long moment at the device as a result in fact.

She can't feel emotions from others on the radio.

...She can't judge how this talk is going to go, not even in the slightest.]

....We...

[She swallows.] ....we had a portal. ....to the stable. ...I couldn't sleep-there was too much worry, and fear, [She explains. But more importantly-]

....I should have just tried, though. ...I didn't think that magic was 'magic'-I didn't think that it could do things that didn't make sense...

...if I hadn't tried to sleep there, though, then... [There is...a slight pause. It would be wise not to interrupt, however-she's clearly not done.]

...What happened to 'him'... ....it wouldn't have happened if I didn't go out. None of this would have...

[It's likely for the best that she can't feel his emotions right now. He might have occasional bursts of anger like what was bound to come up.

He doesn't want adaptation right now. Tyki wants honesty.]

You and that bird, you mean. [He partially understands because he feels extremely cheated about the entire situation.]

You're right. If you had stayed in your room like a good girl a lot of this would've been avoided.

I told you to stay in your room. You should've listened. [But he snorts lightly at that.] You're not suppose to follow my example. If I had been there you wouldn't have ran off. I wouldn't have let you. You're not entirely to blame.

...If you were there you'd still be breaking rules, [She remarks. Indeed he would have stopped her, then, but...]

....You shouldn't have been trying to visit me, anyway. [As far as she knows, that's what got him caught in the first place after all.]

...I didn't though, [she says softly.] ....I can't take that back. ...I can make it never happen again, but I can't change it.

Yes. That was a risk I was already taking by leaving my room. It's not the reason I got caught.

I found something I shouldn't have on accident. That's what got me caught.

[His tone drops a little low to a less calm state.] You on the other hand deliberately left your room without the intention of returning to it, yes?

We were going to sleep there-and go back in the morning.

...But we were also going to send me back if we heard something, or saw something....Or felt something, [she adds, staring at the radio. It's easy to ignore tone, when the feelings aren't there. She presses on.]

...Because without magic, it's not too fast to go back inside.

...but I was wrong. ...And when someone came, it was too fast.

So because I was gone it was okay to ignore me? I was concerned for you so I decided to take the risk. It's not your fault. This was my decision.

It is your fault you left your room. That was a risk you shouldn't have taken, Miss Reira.

Even with what I'm capable of I got caught. Even with a portal we were not at the carnival. His rules, his game.

I didn't say that. [She says coldly.] That's not what it was because of..!

I know it was wrong. And I knew then, too..! [she adds, voice cracking a little.] Even if I couldn't think right, I knew it was wrong..!

But I can't change what happened! [she shouts, the radio shaking in her hands.] ...All I can think is, 'if this was somewhere else, I would be dead', or that someone else, and everyone else, has to feel worse than dead..!

And I don't know how to fix it, even if I make sure to never break a rule again..!

Are you sorry, Miss Reira?

[His voice cuts through all of that after listening to her go on about not being able to change a thing.] Because everything you say is true.

You're a kid but you're not innocent. You knew exactly what you were doing.

[She'll hear a small hiss and chitter from behind him and he'll calm himself from the attention.] You can't fix it.. so move on already. Be thankful you are alive...

Edited 2017-11-10 03:08 (UTC)

Of course I am..!

But sorry doesn't make things better..! [And she's not. Really sure what innocence has to do with this, but that aside. This isn't the moment to question that.]
I'm alive.

...But he's worse now.

...I'm listening, so that it never happens again-but when people move on... ....don't they forget? [She sounds scared, almost, of the idea. As though that in itself would be worse.]

...I want to do what will keep things from happening like that. ...To m...To make sure that the self I make, isn't something that would do things like that, [she adds, swallowing.]

I don't want to act like it's all okay though. ...I don't want to pretend it didn't happen.

....that's what happens, when people 'move on', isn't it..?

We'll get him back. Everyone is fighting to get him back. Don't worry so much.

[Another chitter and she can hear scratching in the background. He's not good at advice when it comes to these matters. It's why he just listens over and over.]

It's not okay. You don't have to pretend it is because I'm not saying it is okay.

When people move on they don't just forget. They forgive and continue forward. I would never want to forget my mistakes.

[Reira doesn't answer immediately-she does not, after all, disagree with Tyki. Everyone is fighting. And even she had done her part in this. And there's no pretending. There's no lying. ....and....]

...what's it called, when they do that? ....when soldiers talked about it, they always seemed to forget. If they didn't, they hurt more-and started hurting others. ...Whenever they said to move on... ....they stopped talking about things, 'forever'.

...if it's not moving on, what is that? I...

[...She pauses. And after another moment, takes a breath.] ....I'm not going to let those things happen again. It's a promise. ....and... ....if people think I shouldn't have a chance to do anything, or say anything, to make sure it never happens.... ...then that's okay too. ...That's 'fair'.

...I'm not going to forget.

....it's not like home was. [And she can't completely remember 'home'.]

A soldier, in my experience, often has to 'move on' in order to keep going with their duty. Most often than not it is simply lying to oneself. They 'move on' but they don't ever truly move forward.

They lie to themselves. They never truly forget unless they can repress it. For those with morals and an active conscience it'll haunt them later.

[He breathes out softly as he nurses that cigarette.] Don't promise what you can't keep... but if you mean your words then that hold just as much meaning.

Tell me... If you had a chance to do it again would you...? Knowing what you know now. That's how you know if you've learned anything from this. [Which wasn't exactly true 100% in his case.]

[ It'll be Childermass that contacts her first. Probably not that big a surprise, since between settling his own matters and catching up on lost sleep, it's been difficult to find him in person.

Up until now, when Reira will finally receive a call over the radio on her personal frequency. ]

Ms. Akaba, if you would please join me down by the lake, just at the end of the path leading to it. Thank you.

[ Because he doesn't actually have an office for this kind of thing yet and he doesn't need other supervisors eavesdropping, either. Anyway, assuming she does decide to join him there, he'll be exactly where he said, where the path meets the shore, idly looking out across the lake as he waits, hands folded behind his back and all. Calm and barely readable, as far as empathy might go. ]

[She doesn't dally, once she's received that message. Taking her time would have perhaps been recommended of course, given the slow recovery from the physical effects of this poison, but the fact is, she had been looking for him during the days prior-whether he knows that or not, she certainly couldn't guess, but she absolutely won't ignore this.]

I'm coming. [Spoken as plainly as a soldier's affirmative, it is the only message over the radio she sends-sent immediately after Childermass is done. When she does arrive, she is quiet. She approaches almost at a fast walk, and then slows to a stop a few feet behind. She can't feel any anger, or much of anything that could be worrisome-but with the recent events, it hasn't been anger that made her worried.

He's calm. And that is the most she can tell, leaving her to swallow back any nervousness and speak.]

...I'm here.

[At least-hopefully in any case-they're both less sleep deprived now that they're talking.]

[ Considering she was well enough to be wandering around at night when the Warden infiltrated the Ringmaster's treasury, that she might not be capable of getting out to the lake really didn't cross Childermass's mind. So when she does show up, all he does is turn and look at her, expression bored and blandly neutral. ]

So I see. [ That's all. No 'hello' or 'how are you', just moving straight on to-- ] Now that we are hopefully as clear of that mess as we can be, I would like you to tell me exactly why you were down in the stables after the manor's curfew.

Edited (last line seemed too heavy, removed it) 2017-11-11 23:35 (UTC)

[Yes-it would, certainly, be good if nothing so extreme ever happened again. She had a similar talk-perhaps a more immediately heavy one for that matter-with Tyki of course. But here, Reira nods. Somewhat guiltily, mind-as guilty as her body even knows how to show-but she nods and begins to explain.

This was the sort of talk she had intended to seek him out for, after all. There would be no point in holding back, or lying.] ...it was... ...Selfish, [she decides, visibly fumbling for the proper word momentarily.] ...when we go to the manor, everyone was scared, or upset. I thought, if it was just that, I could be okay.

...but at meals, there were worse feelings. ...and... It made it hard to think. It made others more upset, even... ...and when it was time to sleep, everyone's feelings were still there. Everywhere, [she adds-though while the status of the manor could no doubt have lent toward that, it more than likely contributed little to the 'load'.]

...we... [She swallows-avoiding Julien's name if she can help it, for his sake-]

....We had a portal to the stables. ...so, I was going to sleep there, so that the next day, I could be stronger for things, and make people worry less...and if someone came before that, go back through, and never try again.

[But, well. That obviously failed, and her grimace shares those thoughts.] ....I didn't think about how magic could work different. ....I didn't think about what would happen if it was too fast, [she confesses, swallowing]

...But it happened..! ...And then people were caught...and hurt-and everything that happened, the dance, and the hunt, and his name-

[She us, at least, aware of the sprawling gravity of events. But she sucks in a breath, and abruptly quiets.]

...You didn't ask about that part, [she states, bowing her head.] ...I left my room to sleep where there wouldn't be feelings that hurt. ....that was why.

I didn't. [ He agrees, not a single change in his own expression given. ] Please explain what you mean by where there wouldn't be 'feelings that hurt'. Ms. Akaba. You've lost me at that point.

...It's the feelings that make it hurt, [she begins-very fortunately not leaving it at that.]

...When someone is sad, it never hurts more than a pinch-like this, [she demonstrates, pinching her own arm without a pause.]

...But all over. If someone is scared, it's a little worse, but it's only as long as they're feeling things. Someone that's angry though...that hurts a lot more. One person being angry-really angry, instead of just a little-is more like...

...The shock from our duel disks, [She decides, before frowning. She can't demonstrate that, naturally, since...She didn't bring it.] ....It's a big electric strike. It gets hard if that one lasts a long time, but....so does a lot of people being angry without any happy people between, all at once if it's more than just a little bit. Or scared, [she adds, just in case he would have wondered. It is, however, something that could be an easy conclusion to come to.

The worst, however.] ...the one that hurts most though...

...Is 'hate'. ...I don't know how to explain that one. ....everyone said the duel disk shocks hurt a lot, but I never felt like making a sound when those happened, even if they shouted. So...

...it's hard to explain how it makes me need to yell, if someone hates enough.

[She fortunately never cried out at their various meals, but it was certainly enough constant hate that eating was a tense effort, though.]

[ At that, he just frowns. A small frown, but still a frown. This doesn't actually explain directly what Reira is even talking about, but it gives him enough to make a guess. ]

So you feel the feelings of others and the feelings you encountered in the manor did you harm. [ At least, he thinks that's the summary there. ] And so you went somewhere that had no feelings, away from the rest of the carnival. Is that what you're getting at?

Edited (he already asked that before, changed question) 2017-11-12 01:20 (UTC)

....somewhere with less feelings, [she quietly corrects, though she quickly bows her head in turn.] The animals in the stables weren't afraid, there. ....so I thought I could sleep better.

...but... ...That makes it just as selfish. [There was little reason to correct him, she fears-no reason other than to note, perhaps, that animals have emotions as well.]

Lost Carnival - IC Inbox

Afternoon of Day 178; During the Hunt

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via radio, let's say a day or two after the final hunt wraps up

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why do I play from canons full of endless emotion rambles, hoo

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