soft_focus | Lost Carnival

[It takes a moment or two before Reira answers. Mostly because she was sort of half asleep. Whoops.

She does though, as much as her voice sounds worse for wear.]

....I have a moment all the time right now....

[She sounds a bit confused about why she wouldn't, but anyhow.] 'm not supposed to be doing anything outside the Carnival right now...

[She'd say not do anything at all, but she worries he'd assume talking was part of that. She's allowed to talk.]

It's - [Well, he doesn't have to explain courteous behavior to her. It's his manner of speaking that prompted him to say it in such a way. Technically yes none of them were suppose to be outside of the carnival.

He kind of was just nowhere near the Hunt right now.] If you were eating or sleeping I could've waited.

...Even if it's too important? [That seems Not Right. But then again, courtesy was never something she was familiar with.]

...m awake now, so...I have time now.

...Is.... ....is it because I was helping to find 'him'..?

[She didn't think she would be in trouble for that. They said stay in the carnival, not stay in bed, or 'don't go out after dark in the carnival'. And for that matter, they wouldn't have found him nearly as fast otherwise...]

It's important but not something that'll get someone killed or hurt if not addressed right away. Still, it is something I do want to talk about.

[He listens because he always listens. He almost wanted to track her down in person but once he was there cozy against Princess with some of her webs blanketing him he didn't bother to move.]

No, you helped with that. I'm glad he was found and is now with us again.

[He pauses to consider his words then calmly asks without any anger in his voice.] Why weren't you in your room the night you were captured?

Mnh. [Well, if he says so, then. She didn't expect to be talking about...This on the radio though. She blinks, and stares for a long moment at the device as a result in fact.

She can't feel emotions from others on the radio.

...She can't judge how this talk is going to go, not even in the slightest.]

....We...

[She swallows.] ....we had a portal. ....to the stable. ...I couldn't sleep-there was too much worry, and fear, [She explains. But more importantly-]

....I should have just tried, though. ...I didn't think that magic was 'magic'-I didn't think that it could do things that didn't make sense...

...if I hadn't tried to sleep there, though, then... [There is...a slight pause. It would be wise not to interrupt, however-she's clearly not done.]

...What happened to 'him'... ....it wouldn't have happened if I didn't go out. None of this would have...

[It's likely for the best that she can't feel his emotions right now. He might have occasional bursts of anger like what was bound to come up.

He doesn't want adaptation right now. Tyki wants honesty.]

You and that bird, you mean. [He partially understands because he feels extremely cheated about the entire situation.]

You're right. If you had stayed in your room like a good girl a lot of this would've been avoided.

I told you to stay in your room. You should've listened. [But he snorts lightly at that.] You're not suppose to follow my example. If I had been there you wouldn't have ran off. I wouldn't have let you. You're not entirely to blame.

...If you were there you'd still be breaking rules, [She remarks. Indeed he would have stopped her, then, but...]

....You shouldn't have been trying to visit me, anyway. [As far as she knows, that's what got him caught in the first place after all.]

...I didn't though, [she says softly.] ....I can't take that back. ...I can make it never happen again, but I can't change it.

Yes. That was a risk I was already taking by leaving my room. It's not the reason I got caught.

I found something I shouldn't have on accident. That's what got me caught.

[His tone drops a little low to a less calm state.] You on the other hand deliberately left your room without the intention of returning to it, yes?

We were going to sleep there-and go back in the morning.

...But we were also going to send me back if we heard something, or saw something....Or felt something, [she adds, staring at the radio. It's easy to ignore tone, when the feelings aren't there. She presses on.]

...Because without magic, it's not too fast to go back inside.

...but I was wrong. ...And when someone came, it was too fast.

So because I was gone it was okay to ignore me? I was concerned for you so I decided to take the risk. It's not your fault. This was my decision.

It is your fault you left your room. That was a risk you shouldn't have taken, Miss Reira.

Even with what I'm capable of I got caught. Even with a portal we were not at the carnival. His rules, his game.

I didn't say that. [She says coldly.] That's not what it was because of..!

I know it was wrong. And I knew then, too..! [she adds, voice cracking a little.] Even if I couldn't think right, I knew it was wrong..!

But I can't change what happened! [she shouts, the radio shaking in her hands.] ...All I can think is, 'if this was somewhere else, I would be dead', or that someone else, and everyone else, has to feel worse than dead..!

And I don't know how to fix it, even if I make sure to never break a rule again..!

Are you sorry, Miss Reira?

[His voice cuts through all of that after listening to her go on about not being able to change a thing.] Because everything you say is true.

You're a kid but you're not innocent. You knew exactly what you were doing.

[She'll hear a small hiss and chitter from behind him and he'll calm himself from the attention.] You can't fix it.. so move on already. Be thankful you are alive...

Edited 2017-11-10 03:08 (UTC)

Of course I am..!

But sorry doesn't make things better..! [And she's not. Really sure what innocence has to do with this, but that aside. This isn't the moment to question that.]
I'm alive.

...But he's worse now.

...I'm listening, so that it never happens again-but when people move on... ....don't they forget? [She sounds scared, almost, of the idea. As though that in itself would be worse.]

...I want to do what will keep things from happening like that. ...To m...To make sure that the self I make, isn't something that would do things like that, [she adds, swallowing.]

I don't want to act like it's all okay though. ...I don't want to pretend it didn't happen.

....that's what happens, when people 'move on', isn't it..?

We'll get him back. Everyone is fighting to get him back. Don't worry so much.

[Another chitter and she can hear scratching in the background. He's not good at advice when it comes to these matters. It's why he just listens over and over.]

It's not okay. You don't have to pretend it is because I'm not saying it is okay.

When people move on they don't just forget. They forgive and continue forward. I would never want to forget my mistakes.

[Reira doesn't answer immediately-she does not, after all, disagree with Tyki. Everyone is fighting. And even she had done her part in this. And there's no pretending. There's no lying. ....and....]

...what's it called, when they do that? ....when soldiers talked about it, they always seemed to forget. If they didn't, they hurt more-and started hurting others. ...Whenever they said to move on... ....they stopped talking about things, 'forever'.

...if it's not moving on, what is that? I...

[...She pauses. And after another moment, takes a breath.] ....I'm not going to let those things happen again. It's a promise. ....and... ....if people think I shouldn't have a chance to do anything, or say anything, to make sure it never happens.... ...then that's okay too. ...That's 'fair'.

...I'm not going to forget.

....it's not like home was. [And she can't completely remember 'home'.]

A soldier, in my experience, often has to 'move on' in order to keep going with their duty. Most often than not it is simply lying to oneself. They 'move on' but they don't ever truly move forward.

They lie to themselves. They never truly forget unless they can repress it. For those with morals and an active conscience it'll haunt them later.

[He breathes out softly as he nurses that cigarette.] Don't promise what you can't keep... but if you mean your words then that hold just as much meaning.

Tell me... If you had a chance to do it again would you...? Knowing what you know now. That's how you know if you've learned anything from this. [Which wasn't exactly true 100% in his case.]

....The ones that are lying are the ones that don't 'move on', [She murmurs softly. It's a good way to find one surrounded by sociopaths and other, equally emotion-blank shells, truly.

But that's hardly the point.] I wouldn't. [She says that without hesitation.]

....Even if everyone who was worried was right there, I would stay in bed, and go to sleep.

Yes, yet it is a phrase used to hide and conceal more than actual acceptance.

[The more he talks to this young lady the more he realizes how much she has likely had to deal with. It's disconcerting.]

Then you have nothing to worry about. Not anymore. Take whatever punishment we might receive in stride and move on. There's no point in lingering in it or it'll consume you.

I'm content if I can trust your word.

[Take it, 'move on'. She's quiet, as she repeats it in her mind.]

....Tyki? [She eventually says quietly.]

....Is it ok to find you, right now?

[She'd like a hug, she thinks, and she's not sure how to ask.]

[He's not sure what his own punishment will be and he'll take it as it is. He hadn't wandered past the rooms and had found something on accident. Still, it was his choice and he'll live with whatever he's given.

But then the child asks him a question that he cannot refuse.]

Yes, it's alright. Just give me a minute to move. [Mostly because he's barely on the other side of the portal and he's not sure how Princess will react to others.]

Okay.

I'll wait until you're ready then.

[She's got no idea what 'a minute' is, to be fair. So.]

[He keeps her on the line with muffled words in the background. He'll be back soon but he has to reassure his princess and the others he is just stepping away for a moment.

He makes his way into the carnival, past the wide gates and finds a tree he can lean against.
Of course by the time she gets there he'll stop standing and sag to a sit underneath it.]

Alright. Come to me.

[The fact that he had to come through the portal is more or less her guide. It's easy to get in range of that, and then from there, in range of the other's feelings. Her steps are slow-she doesn't have any shoes beyond the maid ones right now, what with her only pair sort of being confiscated in return for 'proper' slippers at the manor-but other than that she has her sweater over her night clothes again, and she makes her way over.

...And then hesitates.]

I...

....hugs are allowed, right..? [She asks quietly.]

[He's opted not to smoke around her even if he wants to and he waits for her to arrive with an aired patience. He is watching her approach with a renewed interest in body language. Sorry but he is wary of everyone right now and he kind of wants to be alone.

But this is a kid and it is who he sees her as. Kids needed comfort and he nods at her request with enough intention to push himself up and lean forward with his legs out of the way. His warm and comforting smile might be a half lie but it is necessary.]

Yeah, kiddo. Just careful of my back.

[She's more than careful, after she runs over-her arms end up more around the waist than anything, not really reaching up more than that. Hugs are even now, relatively new for her-the sort of climbing bear hug that other kids would make....doesn't even register as possible to her.

But she's careful-even if she's shaking a bit, trying to keep that manner of calm she managed over the radio.]

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